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[tue jan 2nd, 2007 »10:50p] |
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My ex and I are good friends. But nobody knew how much it hurt to see him move on first. The two girlfriends he had after me didn't bother me too much. Because they were never hand in hand. Or hugging. Or just holding each other. But he's going back out with the girl who he dumped for me. And I know when I get back to school, it'll hurt. Because I know they will be together. Holding. The funny thing is. Some of the last words they spoke about each other, is that they hated each other. And I'm suprised they are back together. They are so far apart. I mean, they're almost opposites. But oppsites attract..... Right?.....
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[wed dec 27th, 2006 »3:00p] |
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I've been listening to Carpal Tunnel of Love and This Ain't A Scene It's An Arms race on repeat for over an hour. I used to loathe these new FOB songs, disliking the direction they've gone. Now I can't get them off my mind.
I guess we all just flee to the latest scenes.
My holidays have been a drag.
Not that I've told everyone.
The pointless msn converstions mean nothing.
How was your holiday.
Fabulous.
Good to hear.
I'm tired of lying.
But I don't have the guts to rant it out.
So instead, I go to my normal routine.
I listen to music, I write, I draw, I ramble, I destruct.
I over think.
That is what I do.
I over think every situation.
Because I'm tired of the what-ifs and how-abouts.
I'm tired of fucking things up for myself.
I am an antisocial.
My holidays were full of festive and cheer.
Family getting together.
A large group of people for the most part.
And I.
I was on my own.
Sitting in random hallways, reading.
Locked up in the guestroom, sprawled on the bed.
Thinking.
Of everything.
On the computer, typing my heart out.
I'm just tired of it all.
I wish I could go out into a crowd of people and enjoy myself.
The smaller the groups, the more I enjoy it.
God.
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[mon dec 18th, 2006 »10:27a] |
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I'm dreaming, of a white, Christmas. And I'm living the dream. It's bee snowing since I've woken up this morning and I greeted it with a smile on my face. I'm sick yet again, homesick from school day two. Day one was a Friday. Then I wept over the weekend. And I'm back where I started. Guess what though? Four more school days left this year. I'm so stoked. I'm going West to visit my favorite cousins while spening the holidays with my grandparents and great aunty and uncle. It should be great. Christmas is the best time of year imo. I love the cheer and spirit so much. I swear, the only music I've listened to all month are rock covers of carols. Except for my Pussy Cat Dolls "Santa Baby". But that's another story.
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[sat nov 25th, 2006 »7:22p] |
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It's all been confusing lately. I've been going through the papers on my bedroom floor. Unwilling to do anything with them. I found my razor underneath one pile this week. It brought back so many memories. Memories I've been trying to forget. And work past. And try to erase from my mind. Inflicting pain upon myself just because. Because I could. Because I can. Thinking everything was so much worse than it is. Finding it too overwhelming at the time.
I found a magic wand today, maybe I'll wish myself away.
I haven't been thinking straight lately. But that's just me. I never think straight. My mind is always rushing too fast. I can never catch up to it. My body is working normal speed, but my brain has to work overtime to make up for the lapse. It just gets too much sometimes. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this. Sometimes I just wish I could live life as it comes, and not have a million thoughts rushing through my head.
Because it isn't that easy to forget.
I wish I didn't have such paranoia. I wish I wasn't so terrified of the dark. It's not the dark that scares me. It's the fact I cannot see anything around me, I can just hear it all. Paranoia doesn't mix well with it. I feel trapped and confused all the time. I feel attacked and little. I walk down the street every morning, and feel so cold and petrified, as if each of those walks, would be my last. I fear death. I fear far too much. I fear the little things. And the big.
I need to get out.
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[wed nov 22nd, 2006 »10:19p] |
 Was it a dream? Was it a dream? Is this the only evidence that proves it, a photograph of you and I....
My life is completely hazy right now. I'm caught in a mode of happiness and laughter at school, whilst spending time with my friends, I get home and I'm cranking my tunes, covering up everything. I write, I draw, I express. I dream, I conclude, I wish. I'm very disapointed in somebody I am very dear to for reasons I cannot exrpess. And Nathan asked out my friends older sister of a year today. She denied. So, I see he's expanded to not just our grade, but the grade above us. Whatever.....
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[thu nov 16th, 2006 »6:32p] |
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Do we ever live up to the impression we have of ourselves? Or just as much as we think we can be? Or just how much we aspire to be? How much do teens these days amount to? Besides how high or drunken they can get? How about making a difference? Doing something with their lives? Out of the so many people in our world today, how much do we really amount to? Think of yourself... When was the last time you amounted to anything? Tell me about it. When was the last time to were proud of yourself for something worth it? I'm just tired of having to think about our world today being as worthless and it seems to be. I just want to meet somebody who can proove me wrong. To help me find some faith and hope in our society.
On the plus side, here's a survey to fill out which has nothing to do with this.
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you think im hot/desirable in any way?
5. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
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[wed nov 15th, 2006 »8:12p] |
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music |
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Crush - Cute Is What We Aim For |
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Hello and good day. Life has been swell for I. I'm loving myself and loving life. Well, except that I've had an awful sore throught and runny nose. And my head feels like its constantly throbbing. But besides that it's all good. Term Two has started at school now. I had sewing as my new elective, but my friend was bribing me to go into drama, so I kept bugging my counseler to move me to drama, he finally did so he's all YOU OWE ME, and I was like OKAY OKAY. So now my friend 'hates' drama and switched out of it. So I'm pissed. But I'm planning on asking my counseler if I can switch back into sewing. I know it'll really tick him off by asking but oh wells. And so Nadja and Nathan use to be going out. I'm friends with the both of them. I'm chilling with some of my friends at lunch today, sitting by Nathan. Nadja is in the hallway near and calls me over, "Do you like Nathan?" "....No." "Oh okay good. But he likes you. Like, I'm really sure he likes you." "Oh." "Yeah, like, he's hanging out with you whenever he gets chances to, and I can just tell he does." "Oh." And yeah. I've actually kind of noticed it myself. But he's a many girl guy. He's had like four different girlfriends since I've known him which has only been this school year. Which reminds me of Zach, since we've broken up, which was just October something or other, he's gone out with this girl Sammy, then dumped her and asked out her best friend who likes him. The two of them I bet will go through all of the girls in my grade before the year is over. Sheesh.
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[mon nov 13th, 2006 »4:09p] |
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[mon nov 13th, 2006 »12:00p] |
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Hai.
I haven't updated this in forever. I kind of just forget too. I really want to. I stopped using eljay for the longest time because I never used it, well, I don't want to just drift off again. So I'll try to keep it frequent. I've fallen for my best guy friend btw. Don't do it. It sucks. Especially when he already has a girlfriend. But you talk to him about everything so you tell him anyways. And he says that he is really shocked but flattered. And that he doesn't believe me because he thinks I'm rad too. And like, his girlfriend and him are in a horrible stage right now.
I dyed my hair this weekend. And orangey blondey colour. I'm adding in black today. It looks so rad. I'm estatic over it. No pictures to share yet. But I have this before picture I took, I just love it.
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